The biggest challenge has five letters and is almost driving me mad - F O C U S.
Fool Osofist Crumbling Under Scrutiny.
There are these creepy freaks with creepy smiles hiding behind shelves. How can I focus while they are hiding? The other day I fell asleep over work. When I woke up one of them stood next to me, watching me sleeping, watching me waking up, watching me. I told him to back off. Now he pretends to be busy, wandering between tables, magazines and window frames. He must be really busy, he hasn’t changed his shirt in three days.
There is the other one who always wants more. Text, references, conceptualisations, finish it. I gave him everything I had but it was never enough. Then I burnt out and he complained that I was empty. Now I make tables about cognitive dissonance, negative capability, ambiguity and complexity. Dynamics determine the pace. I respond contingently. Blank paper is non-boundary and … please, could someone tell those freaks to stop staring at me?? No, I am not from France. The coffee shop is closed and if there is one thing that is certain then that I need to focus.
The centre of focus is a black hole and it can be nailed down in three words: Why a PhD? It sucks me into dark dimensions. At least now I know that it is too dark for me at the bottom of insanity. On Facebook someone tagged me in a mass hysteria. I can choose if I want to add it. But once you are in it, there is no way out. It’s all a question of relative direction. I could quit of course, but is that a choice?
The other question is that of reward. There is never enough, so what is the question. The question is how to turn never enough into a sufficiently meaningful answer. Impactful and so on. Beyond the business case. At least it should make some kind of sense. We all have too much anyway. Not sense but stuff. I tried to get rid of it, downsized as much as I could, all of it had to fit into one suitcase. But there is this void spitting things in front of me. I don’t dare to walk over them while thinking of civil war and innumerable innocent victims being killed and all of that being shown on TV and youtube and spreading on timelines and being commented, liked, shared and retweeted. Creeps everywhere.
Being politically correct is only switching off the TV. But then, how to choose the right programme without zapping? It’s unlikely that at this time of the day anything meaningful comes out of it. For that we would have to create new channels. That does not get done by itself. Such things need to be dug out. It requires dirty hands, sweat and brain substance.
I keep fooling myself. About black holes and academy. It’s all the same sludge. Someone switched on the blender and it all got mixed up. I’m trying to make sense. I’m trying to turn sense into words and words into tables and tables into action and action into sense and all I do is switching channels. Without a TV.