Monday, June 12, 2017

The details are blurred

I am watching your struggles to become one with your self and your others. Opening an office in your garden, which is sealed off now, no more consultation hours. Why did you open it? Just to demonstrate your right to shut it down? How can I take it serious now? Aren‘t we fooling ourselves? Aren‘t faked tears also a form of violence? Going through shit now doesn‘t mean we will be spared from it later. What are we trying to prove with our suffering? This time there‘s no culprit. There‘s only a complainer.

I am sleepless because suddenly thoughts sicker through the walls of my building. Beforehand I didn‘t even know that I had walls let alone a building. Now, after it got distinctively pointed out: what should I do with it, the walls, the thoughts, the building? Should I call it home or merely a house in a row of houses, in a colony, estate, settlement, maybe a neighbourhood? Take it for real, discernable, or dismiss it as one more illusion, fake news spreading confusion, a fungus eating my mind, my sanity. Every neighbourhood has its very own intricacies. A voice in my head trying hard to smart me out, keeps telling me that things only have the meaning we attach to it. Then, how real is your existence, mine? When I recall you, I recall your voice and the way you threw it into fire, my name and the idea of something I had misunderstood.

I remember looking at a piece of polished wood. The details are blurred. Lines adding up and turning into patterns. I remember a struggle to be close, soft advances in a battle with the need to stay on top of the game. I gave you my time as well, subjugated my will, made you my friend, you threw it all into the gutter. Our relation became the meaning you attached to it, existence inside a huge void spiraling down, turning me into nothing but dirt and spit, basic elements the entire world is made of. I crumbled, sensed a giant tremble, an earthquake bringing down an ancient place of worship. It took me months to recompose myself. These are forces no one can revolt, and still we try, because we are human and believe it is better to lose a struggle than to remain idle or dead. Remaining idle is an art of its own. Remaining dead the bigger part of the picture.